Mental health issues

I have been away for far too long. I have been Ill for longer than I have not been here and I say Ill because so many people have told me I’m not ill I just have a mental health condition. I very much consider this to be ill. I haven’t taken my medication in two years and although the first year of not being medicated was rocky, this year it completely blew up and I acted recklessly, selfishly and more importantly completely out of character. I haven’t been myself for such a long time now I don’t actually think I know who she is anymore. I’m sick, my thoughts terrify me and the things I have done terrifies me more. I can’t get out of this cycle and I can’t seem to make it stop. The only thing I know is that I love to read but this worry that is inside my head, mixed with everything else has put me in a reading slump and I haven’t read in many many months. I dislike this person I have become. I am in trouble and I did something awful. I am now paying for this and it could end up being a very high price but we shall see soon. I don’t like the waiting, but I have no right to say what I do or do not like anymore as I have hurt someone else in this process. I am not the victim. My anxiety is through the roof,I am paranoid. I believe it would be better for everyone if I wasn’t here but lets face it I’m not brave enough to go through with it. Yet another reason I am selfish. I am judged for my wrong doings because I deserve to be, but what they don’t know is nobody judges myself harder than I judge myself. I am a disappointment. I do not know what I was thinking, I don’t know why I have done this. I wish I could turn back time, I wish I could go back. I wish.

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