Life has become one big downward spiral. Its Christmas usually I am so so happy but instead I am having to paint on a happy face and then as soon as I get home I am in tears for hours. I know I am beginning to seem fake to anyone who meets me as I am pretending to be happy when really I’m not. I’m laughing loudly, I’m smiling wide but inside I want to curl up into a little ball and cry myself to sleep constantly. I don’t feel safe, I don’t feel right and I hate myself. I have brought this all on myself there is absolutely no doubt in any of this this is all my fault. I wish a doctor would actually listen to me. I wish family members instead of saying the words “You have to just wait” or “it will be fine” will actually help me,I feel like I constantly being told to cheer up and “whats done is done” I don’t know how much longer I can actually do this, I cannot stand this feeling but it is all my own doing. I want to dive into a book a stay there but the effort to hold it is draining and I have no energy. I feel like I should never be allowed to read again. I have no right to be let out of my own mind, I deserve everything I go through. Everything in my life has been my fault. All I hear is how much of an awful life I have had. No I have had a life fitting for someone like myself. I don’t deserve anything less than I received.