Every night

I convince myself this isn’t real that I am actually in a coma or in a mental institution as none of this can be real.

I hallucinate people,I have done for aslong as I can remember. I see my Dad sitting in the corner of a room. I automatically think he has died I am desperate to find out whats happened. It hasn’t he is fine. So ive imaged him again. This has happened everyday since I was 5. It first happened in school,in the classroom and for the rest of the day I was convinced he was dead.

I say and do things that when I look back on them I cannot believe Ive said or done them but now I have dug myself into a hole that I can’t get out of and I don’t know what to do to put it right so it continues and it continues.

My hands go numb and tingly,I can’t see straight I feel like I’m overloaded and I am so so very dizzy. I can’t feel my lips nor my tongue.

I am one person one day and another the next. I am happy and smiley and bubbly. I am sad angry and dark another.

I don’t know who I am,I copy peoples mannerisms,I change my views depending on who I speak to. This has caused me to be called fake before.

I look off tall buildings and bridges and image the relief I would feel if I jumped. How everyone who knows me lives would be so much better if I wasn’t here.

I have spend three days drunk. I can’t stand to be sober for much longer

I walk out in front of cars because I do not care

I turn off plugs with wet hands because I do not care

I hear voices in my head,they tell me I’m an awful person

A ghost follows me around every single night telling me that I deserve to die

People are against me,people are plotting against me this very moment

Spending sprees with money I don’t have.

I constantly need to know where my partner is at all times,if he doesn’t answer the phone within 2mins I know something has happened.

Of course though according to my GP I am fine. this is all normal. Noone in the world understands and noone will help.

 

 

 

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